| — | Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit on Jezebel.com (via nothingbutlightinthedark) |
Navigating Masculinity as a Black Transman: “I will never straighten out my wrist.”
“Straighten out your wrist, Brotha!” When my boxing coach yelled these words, I knew his call was about more than perfecting my jab.
I have experienced the demands of Black masculinity and the responses to my failure to perform properly are not alI that different from the experiences of failed masculinity that I felt within Black lesbian communities.
But it is true, I am now a young Black American Male. People usually assume that I am somewhere between the age of 15 and 20. I’m 28.
The world is unkind to Black bois. The world is unkind to Black girls. But the way our gendered bodies are policed is different. Black bois are assumed thugs, thieves, rapists, and overly aggressive.
I knew this already, but I feel it more now like when I got kicked out of a Hollywood store because the owner assumed I was there to steal something.
He didn’t just make that assumption. This white man came over and hovered over me yelling for me to get out and to never return because “he knew my kind.”
I spoke calmly, but he kept yelling. I couldn’t help but think this man can’t see or hear me.
He could only see what he believed to be true about young black bois, and it didn’t matter who I was, who I had been, or who I might become. My future and past were predetermined in his mind.
I was the dangerous body that needed to be policed.
And Black women have it too. Bearing the brunt of pathology, the Black woman has been told that she is the reason why Black people suffer. Because she has been too strong and emasculating. Because she is crazy and angry.
She needs to be put in her place by Black men and those outside her racialized community.
When my boxing coach told me to straighten out my wrist, it came after lots of criticism around my push-up form, my strength (or weakness). The way my body moved was sub-par especially in comparison to this ripped Black man.
I have gone from being a big, strong looking Black woman to occupying the body of a young, lanky Black man. The more my body masculinizes, the more I feel my femininity stands out as contradictory to those who invest in normative types of masculinity.
So What is Masculinity? How Did I Come To Learn How To Wear It?
When I was in high school, I learned there was a code to same gender loving life. You were either masculine or femme, a stud or her girlfriend.
I was told that my look was confusing. People couldn’t tell what I was. Someone told me that I was sporty “femme.” I didn’t know what that meant but I was happy that I had a name to call myself, a place to belong.
The first woman I went on a date with, was masculine presenting, a stud. She had a way of making me feel her masculinity as a direct opposite to my femininity.
I didn’t like the room I was given to move or to not move.
I know that this interaction was circumscribed by chivalry. She opened my door and closed it. She paid for dinner. Something about this interaction made me feel trapped.
I decided that I would be nobody’s femme and therefore I must be like her, a masculine woman, a stud.
I wanted to be in control.
I took the summer to learn my gendered role. I became a stud. And it worked because I was able to get the attention of the femmes that I was attracted to.
In those early teenage years, I mostly learned from other studs how to be. I remember the first time I learned about stud misogyny. I was 18 or 19 at the time and I was at a house party in the Bay.
There were many beautiful Black women in the space.There were studs and femmes.The host was a stud who wore cornrows, baggy jeans, and perhaps a polo or a jersey. She was good looking, but somehow I knew that was something I wasn’t supposed to articulate aloud.
I remember looking at her and examining the family photos that had been on display in her house.
The girl in the picture was different. She was femme. She smiled.
I wonder if the girl in the picture felt like she needed more room. I wonder if the stud she had become gave her more room.
I wonder how that room, that liberation that she felt came from dominating feminine women or perhaps the feminine that might have been a part of her.
I remember walking in on a conversation between two studs. One told the story of how her girlfriend broke her chain and how upset she was.
The other stud chimed in, “If that had been my girl, I would have slapped her.”
Everyone laughed, but I was afraid.
That’s probably one of the earliest moments that I felt uneasy about being a stud and the kind of masculinity we were creating and inheriting.
Another lesson in studly masculinity came for me when I was in college. I had fallen for an older femme woman.
We’d spend time walking and holding hands in the New England chill. She taught me how to be a good stud.
“You should always walk on this side of the street, so that I feel protected.”
“You should always open the door for the lady.”
I was getting schooled in old-fashioned chivalry and I was good at it. I was in love with it. The giving, the idea that I could somehow protect.
But it wasn’t simply that I could protect. There was an insistence that I MUST.
Anything else meant failure.
What if I was afraid? What if I needed to feel/be protected? Well, that was the sacrifice of normative masculinity.
After I had top-surgery, I needed help with my carry-on bags when flying. I wasn’t able to raise my arms above my head. No one could see that I needed help. I didn’t have any visible wounds, so I had to ask.
I asked a white stewardess for help and she glared at me. She was annoyed and she didn’t want to help me. I explained to her that I had just had surgery and still annoyed, she told me that next time I would need to check my bag if I couldn’t do it myself.
I was a young, seemingly able-bodied Black man. I wasn’t elderly.
Why did I need help?
How can we expect to create healthy men and bois, if they live in a society where asking for help is met with punishment and enforced shame?
Is there room for vulnerability in masculinity? We must make room.
Who I Am Today
I walk in the world today as an effeminate Black transman. Queer, indeed!
I never want to straighten out my wrist. I want it to flare, I want it to paint flame across canvass because I am unafraid of femininity.
It is the place from which I garner my strength.
The term Masculine of Center has been one that I have clung to for sometime now. Masculine of center (MOC) coined by B. Cole of the Brown Boi Project, recognizes the breadth and depth of identity for lesbian/queer/womyn who tilt toward the masculine side of the gender scale and includes a wide range of identities such as butch, stud, aggressive/AG, dom, macha, tomboi, trans-masculine etc.
When I discovered it, I thought, “Finally, a term that can hold me!”
But as I sit here today and write, my center feels feminine. Is there room for that? We must make it.
I have always carried with me both masculine and feminine energies, but I have often been forced to choose one over the other depending upon the space around me.
I have been on hormones since July 2011. I had top surgery in May 2012. It is 2013 and while some things have clearly changed physically and emotionally, some things have stayed the same.
I still bleed every month. For many this may seem to be a contradiction to my masculinity or maleness, but I cherish the moments.
I am thankful that my body carries both masculinity and femininity at its core, because at the end of the day, what we should all be striving towards is balance.
We need to build relationships between men and women that allow space for both parties to grown.
We need to build relationships between men and men, women and women, that allow space for both parties to move freely.
The gender binary affects us all in detrimental ways. And while masculinity may seem to offer more room, it also has its limitations.
And femininity, if only understood as masculinity’s property, is detrimental to women and other people who identify as femme.
Hi, my name is Kai M. Green. I am a Black Transman. I am a Black feminist and my center is just as feminine as it is Black. - Kai M Green
So let me just get two things out of the way before I get really, really deep in detail about one specific aspect of the Oscars intro last night:
1) it was super, super-long and self-indulgent. Even by Oscar standards. It was like half an hour before anybody got an award and I laughed maybe twice. Seth McFarlane being delighted by himself is ok when sublimated into a half-hour cartoon, it’s not really tolerable when mugged at the screen by a guy in a suit for the same amount of time. It isn’t actually funny, and thus fails the first test: the test of comedy.
2) in the thick of the “We Saw Your Boobs” song, which must have lasted five minutes all by itself, this line jumped out at me: “Jodie Foster in ‘The Accused’”. And I thought to myself “wait, isn’t her nudity in that movie part of a *rape scene*?” It threw a really sour note into what was supposed to be light-hearted.
But the in-depth thing I want to talk about is the “reaction shots” to the song, pre-taped by game actresses who were playing along. The substance of these reaction shots highlights just what’s so awful about McFarlane singing this song: mortification from most of the actresses and a little fist-pump of triumph from Jennifer Lawrence when he says we haven’t seen hers.
The song, the reaction shots and Seth McFarlane’s general attitude are all based on a commonplace and awful trope: that sex is a contest, and that men win and women lose when sex or nudity happens. It’s an archaic, prudish, creepy concept that derives from twisted notions about female purity and women-as-property.
McFarlane thinks if he has seen a woman’s breasts, he has won and she has lost, and he is now entitled to gloat about it. Women whose breasts Seth McFarlane has seen are meant to feel humiliated and degraded by that fact, even though it’s expected of actresses to show their breasts to get work. Meet the expectations placed on you by your industry, talented actresses? Too bad you’ve now injured your own dignity such that Seth McFarlane can mock you about it in front of a billion people. Even if your character is naked *because she’s being raped* (see point 2 above), it still amounts to a victory for Seth McFarlane to have seen your breasts.
McFarlane presents the whole skit as something he shouldn’t do, which makes it even worse, because he wants to get credit for the cleverness of his idea while also pretending it is beneath him. Which is completely candy-ass and cowardly.
The sexuality-as-contest-between-men-and-women thing is bubbling underneath so much that is awful: rape culture, workplace harassment, slut-shaming, abuse-themed porn, pick-up artist culture, etc., etc. It sets aside women as a separate thing from a person, and makes them into an object that is “ruined” by sex or nudity.
In a culture with a healthy attitude about sex and sexuality, McFarlane’s song would have no sting at all, because nudity in film would be a completely different sort of animal: it wouldn’t be compulsory for actresses to draw that “I am pure and don’t ghet naked”/”I am fallen and thus am only good for getting naked” line, and there wouldn’t be shame associated with having been naked on screen. There would be no sting in McFarlane smugly taunting women whose boobs he’s seen.
We don’t, yet, live in that culture. And when Seth McFarlane plays “sex is a contest and YOU LOST, Kate Winslet” for laughs, it’s depressingly clear how far we are from it.Perfect commentary.
I’m new to tumblr, or this tumblr so not many people may see this. Also I was planning on doing this as a vlog for ‘Those pesky dames’ on youtube but I suck at vlogging. I am however confident as a writer so I thought I would do it like this.
I am twenty eight years old. I love Harry Potter, caffeine, chocolate, cake and the colour green. I have one older brother. I am left handed. I have a wonderful boyfriend. I love Christmas. I have recently lost 5 stone. I am bisexual. If you know me, it is hugely likely that the last thing I mentioned on that list will come as a surprise to you. This is not something I have made known to a lot of people. This is something I have struggled with massively over the years. I felt it was time to stop hiding something about myself that I have no reason to be ashamed of. I have known that I’m bisexual since I was about twelve years old and had a massive crush on Ginger Spice. I was TERRIFIED of these feelings. I knew I liked boys, but also liked girls. I didn’t know anyone else who felt this way and was convinced there was something wrong with me. When I was seveteen I was diagnosed with clinical depression, something I still recieve treatment for. I found day to day life incredibly hard, and buried any questions over my sexuality whilst I dealt with what felt like a dark cloud over my head. When I was 19 I made the decision to tell a few friends and family about my feelings about my sexuality. I was laughed at by a few people and told it was a phase by a few others. The most supportive were the school friends that I drunkenly told in the cubicle of a gay nightclub. Unfortunately I woke up the next day paralysed with fear of people knowing- I wasn’t ready for this to be a part of my identity. So I phoned the friends and said I was drunk and had been joking. To those friends now- I’m sorry I lied. Since then, I have struggled with these feelings a lot, ranging for complete acceptance to complete denial. But in the last year, things have changed for me. I am no longer obese and finally happy in my own skin and body. I have a very supportive boyfriend who loves me for who I am, something I never thought I would find with any partner. And I finally seem to be accepting my mental health issues and am making new strides to being a healthy person. So I felt now was the time to tell people about this part of myself. It doesn’t change who I am- my likes or dislikes. It doesn’t change my relationship- I am happy and committed and with someone who accepts me for who I am. It doesn’t change me as a daughter, sister, cousin, niece or friend. I hope it doesn’t change the way people feel about me, but for those it does, that is something I accept. I have seen so many people being courageous about their sexuality and identity and I have hidden in the background. No longer- it’s time to stand up and be counted. I won’t be afraid to be myself any more.
Love Jen.
Em’s LGBT catchup video!
Sunday catch-up video from Emily discussing her frustrations with LGBT/Queer activism and feminism.
More videos on LGBT/Queer activism and feminism: http://bit.ly/PZZ6BM
Something you’d like to talk about? Want to guest vlog for Those Pesky Dames? Click to find out how: http://thosepeskydames.tumblr.com/guest-videos
[TRIGGER WARNING: transphobia/cissexism at 8:17 mins in]
Being Queer Does Not Make You Radical
Very timely and thought provoking video. More reasons why I identify as Tab….
This is every one of the things. Every single one. Would also love to discuss the last points with folks.
No video from me again this week sorry Dames! Will try to do a bumper batch of catch-up vids at the weekend if I can.
In the meantime here’s an interesting video on male and masculine privilege within queer communities that ties into last week’s topic.
I almost didn’t post the vid because of the last section but I thought the rest of the video made some really valid points, and an open discussion about the passing privileges masculine presenting women, cis or trans*, may possess could be worthwhile: http://youtu.be/ofS-fKHL5H4
- Becca x
Well after today’s flurry of videos it’s time for a quick TOPIC ANNOUNCEMENT!
THIS WEEK: LGBT/Queer Feminism - One of the top voted topics from our recent Facebook poll!
NEXT WEEK: Racism and Feminism - There’s been a bit of a storm recently after popular feminist Caitlin Moran Tweeted that she “couldn’t give a shit” about the lack of racially diverse representation in Lena Dunham’s TV show “Girls”, so we thought we’d talk about just that.
THE WEEK AFTER: Sexism in Halloween costumes. - It’s nearly Halloween, there’s a lot of awful sexism surrounding fancy dress costumes, so that’s that really.
As ever if you’d like to make a guest video on these or any other topic then click here for more info how and please let us know! - Becca x
[See under the cut for image descriptions]
Reblooping for those who may have missed it last night.
Well after today’s flurry of videos it’s time for a quick TOPIC ANNOUNCEMENT!
THIS WEEK: LGBT/Queer Feminism - One of the top voted topics from our recent Facebook poll!
NEXT WEEK: Racism and Feminism - There’s been a bit of a storm recently after popular feminist Caitlin Moran Tweeted that she “couldn’t give a shit” about the lack of racially diverse representation in Lena Dunham’s TV show “Girls”, so we thought we’d talk about just that.
THE WEEK AFTER: Sexism in Halloween costumes. - It’s nearly Halloween, there’s a lot of awful sexism surrounding fancy dress costumes, so that’s that really.
As ever if you’d like to make a guest video on these or any other topic then click here for more info how and please let us know! - Becca x
[See under the cut for image descriptions]
Rape Culture and Sex Education **TRIGGER WARNING**
“I’m so sorry if I’m alienating some of you, your whole fucking culture alienates me”
More videos on rape and rape culture: http://bit.ly/PqQ0dv
This Dame -
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/missraaae
Tumblr: http://toughtea.tumblr.com
