The Project

Trigger Warning

*This site contains content that may be triggering to survivors of rape, sexual assault and abuse. For places you can go for support and advice please see our‘Get Support’ page.*

‘Using The Words’ is a project to share stories of surviving rape and sexual abuse. On these pages, you will find the voices of people who are living through these experiences. They discuss what happened to them, the impact it had, and how they coped with what was happening. The stories are told by survivors, and the people close to them. Many of these stories will be published as a zine in Autumn 2013, but as we collect stories and edit for the zine we’re going to use this blog to share some of the stories that have been sent to us. If you would like to send in a story, please see the ‘Tell Your Story’ page.

We started this project as part of a journey of personal healing. We are survivors, and we are the partners, friends, and family of survivors. We wanted to reach out and understand how our experiences connect to others, and to try to find a language to name what was going on. This is the place we chose. And these are some reasons we chose it.

Sharing our knowledge

We wanted to create a resource that could be shaped and shared. As we go on our personal journeys we often feel very alone, and unsure of how to cope with what is happening. We wanted to create a space where people could see that they are very far from alone, and strategies for survival are shared. We also wanted it to be a space where people could read testimonies from survivors and supporters about parts of the journey yet to come, in the hope it would help them to feel more prepared.

Creating a language of survival

It can feel very scary to try to name and describe our experiences. The word ‘rape’ can make people visibly flinch, or look away. Though for each person the words are different, we want to try and break some of the stigma of discussing rape and abuse. We wanted to create a space where it is ok to use whatever words we need to describe what happened, and where together we can create our own language of survival. This is also a space where friends and relatives can come to start to listen, to confront these words, and to prepare themselves to listen to those close to them.

In our own communities

Through our journeys we have come to understand how ‘out there’ others think rape and abuse is. The media would have us think it only happens in other countries, in the 1970s, to other types of people, to weak people, to ‘victims’. We wanted to create this space to show that it happens everywhere, all the time, to people who are like you as well as people who aren’t, to people you know.

That’s why we write, and why we would like others to write with us.

Awesome new project.

Trigger warning: rape, sexual violence, victim blaming.

Last night I went to a gig. I had a few pints, and I probably danced like a bit of a tit, as I sometimes am inclined to do. I got talking to some people about bands we like, and accepted an invite to go to theirs for a beer. Upon arrival, they (cis men, for the record) got a bit sleazy with me, so I left. Nothing harmful happened (I was pissed off, but whatever).

But let’s imagine something did happen. Suddenly, not only would my life be upside-down, what could I do about it? Would I report it? Honestly, no.

If something had happened, and I said something publicly, people would be queueing up to tell me it was my own damn fault. I was drunk. I went to a strange man’s house. I was wearing a minidress and leggings. It was late. What did I damn well think was going to happen? Actually, I thought we were going to go listen to some punk music and talk about it while drinking beer. Notice how that previous sentence does not contain the phrase ‘have sex’.

I’m not a man-hating feminazi, primarily because such a thing doesn’t exist, but also because I’m mates with a lot of guys. So before anyone jumps in with accusations of ‘misandry’ (also a thing which does not exist, by the way), consider this - I want to hang out with guys. I want to be friends with guys. I want to have sex with guys. I just also want to be assured that if one of those people rapes or sexually assaults me, I won’t be blamed just for being in the same vicinity as him while not being a cis-man. What actually IS misandric is the suggestion that no one should be friends with men in case they rape them.

Did you know one third of the UK’s population would have said it was my fault if I’d been raped last night? Thirty fucking percent of people think that if a woman touches alcohol, she’s declaring open-season on her genitals.

FUCK THAT SHIT.

Why am I telling you all this anyway? Well, last night, a hashtag got going on Twitter, titled #ididnotreport. This was inspired by the Mumsnet ‘We Believe You’ campaign, designed to highlight the hidden problem of rape and sexual assault. On it, thousands of people - men and women told their personal stories of why they didn’t report their rape or sexual assault. And it’s because of this VICTIM BLAMING BULLSHIT. Some trolls got on the tag, including a confessed rapist by the name of @NiceGuyBrianG (SERIOUS TW for that link), who thinks that the law on spousal rape shouldn’t just be reverted, but should apply to anyone in any kind of relationship. Presumably only women should be allowed to be raped, because if I took him back to mine and tried to assfuck him with a strap-on, I’m sure he’d have some quite loud opinions.

I REPEAT, FUCK THAT SHIT.

It is NOT your fault if you are raped. No ifs, no buts. It is only a rapist who decides to rape people. It is NEVER A VICTIM’S FAULT. And I want you all to know that and shout it with me.

Rape apologists, I’m going to give you a quick lesson in human interaction, because you sorely need it: YOU ARE NOT OWED SEX. NO ONE OWES YOU ACCESS TO THEIR BODY. PERIOD.

“But Nat, what if [insert convoluted scenario, possibly involving drink, usually espousing just how darned confusing this whole ‘consent’ thing is]??!?!?!”

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE, ASK THEM. POLITELY. IN FACT, IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO BE POLITE. “WANNA FUCK?” WILL USUALLY SUFFICE. IN SOME CASES IT WILL NOT.

IF YOU ARE UNSURE WHETHER SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, WHETHER IT’S BECAUSE OF DRINK OR YOU PRESSURING THEM OR WHATEVER, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT PERSON.

THE EASIEST WAY TO AVOID BEING ACCUSED OF RAPE IS TO NOT HAVE SEX THAT MAY BE RAPE.

UNLESS YOU ARE 100% ABSOLUTELY IRON-CLAD CERTAIN A PERSON WANTS TO HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT WITH YOU, DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT WITH THEM.

I genuinely can’t make that any clearer. If you wish to comment with a wonderful scenario of your concoction about just how gosh-damn tricky it is to not stick your penis in people, I suggest you take your scenario and shove it up your rape-apologising backside. Here’s some (long but awesome) posts on consent:

And if anyone feels the need to talk to someone about something that happened to them, here are the details for Rape Crisis (women and children), Pandora’s Project (trans* people) and Survivors UK (men).

somekindofbecca:

*Trigger warning for police brutality, rape and generally the exhausting society in which we live.*

I’ve just got back from the Dominique Strauss-Kahn demo outside the Cambridge Union Society building and wanted to get some thoughts down before sleep wears down the intensity of what I’m feeling right now.

A catch up for non-Cambridge folks as best I can (I’m pretty ignorant about Cambridge student politricks). The Cambridge Union Society, is a private members debating club which is, apparently, pretty famous. Touting themselves as promoters of free speech, they invited Dominique Strauss-Kahn (or DSKumbag as I’ll now remember him as) to talk on the basis of his economic knowledge and position in French politics. They also gave him a posh meal and free wine, ’cause that’s how they do things here. This obviously caused a lot of grief and anger as he is currently being accused of doing a lot of unspeakable things like rape, sexual assault and has been associated with a prostitution ring. CUS ignored the petition from their members for them to rescind their invitation for him to speak and, for the first time in the memory of everyone I’ve spoken to, they withdrew their normal ‘first come, first served’ policy on tickets and replaced it with a ‘random allocation’. Yeah, so random that no one who signed the petition managed to get a ticket… You can see how this works.

So, a protest was called. Things were pretty standard and demonstration-y for about the first hour. We stood in the cold, we made jokes about how the numbers would be misrepresented, we shouted through megaphones as we strode through the streets. But as we settled outside the building that Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hiding in, something really special happened. For me, it was one of the most powerful and inspiring experiences I’ve ever had. Strangers came forward to share their experiences of sexual assault and rape with a crowd of 150ish people on the megaphone. I’m not a Cambridge student, I didn’t know many faces but at that moment I felt safe enough to share my own experiences, which doesn’t happen often. It was raw and sincere and the most heartfelt thing I’ve heard in a space like that. I will never forget it. The stories continued and as survivors merged back into the crowd they were greeted with embraces and warmth. There is nothing that the former head of the IMF can say that is more important than what some of those speakers shared with us and we gave them the best platform we could.

But then things turned ugly. I was horrified by the institutionalised violence that the police and private security brought to this very peaceful and positive demonstration. I am even more horrified to know that the beautiful, constructive and life changing speeches that people made will be ignored in press coverage to make space for columns about student ‘aggression’. Instead of questioning the brutality and structural oppression that helps perpetuate and normalise a culture where aggressive crimes like assault can exist, tomorrow journalists will, without a hint of irony, ask what the protesters did to deserve their victimisation from the police and say that we had it coming. I’d like to echo what a fellow protester said: us shaking fences and climbing walls is not violence but the police and security guards punching people in the face and shoving climbers off of 8 foot high walls onto piping and concrete flooring is. Were any of the security staff arrested for their behaviour? No. They were just ‘doing their job’. I’d like to think that as humans who had just heard sincere and heart-breaking accounts of rape and sexual assault, that we were just doing our ‘job’ as well. How could we not be angry? How could we not get upset? Our voices had been completely sidelined and ignored by the people organising the event while a man accused of rape was being treated to a black tie dinner inside. I think that rattling a temporary fence is pretty damn restrained all things considered.

It was a microcosm of a wider issue, the wider issue of the night. We cannot expect violent crime not to exist when live in a society where government-sanctioned police are given rubber bullets, riot shields and batons to ‘maintain the peace’. We cannot expect to be safe on the streets or in our schools or homes when our only way to bring attackers to justice is to hand them over to a violent institution. We cannot say that protesters are violent for thrashing against wire fences when they have people in uniforms shoving palms into their faces. It’s wrong that some of us were subjected to such disproportionate assault from the Cambridge police and yet we will be the ones demonised in cultural memory when the newspaper articles are written up.

Later, as I sat on a church wall, placard still in shakey hands but mostly winding down for the night, some Friday night drinkers squinted at the sign I was holding. “Rape is not a ‘sex scandal?’” When I asked them what was so funny, one of them replied deadpan, “Well it’s just human nature.” At once, all the horrors of the night broke through and I started to cry. As I came around and calmed down, I realised that five strangers were holding me and crying too. It was the one of the most powerful acts of solidarity I have ever experienced and I am heartbroken to think that when this gets written up about in various blogs and articles, that feeling will not be captured. Once again the voices of survivors and people fighting alongside us will be ignored and marginalised. I wish that we lived in a society where people standing together in the face of unyeilding oppression is seen as being human nature, not rape or violence, and that deserves to be said, hell, it deserves to be shouted from the fucking rooftops and tonight we did that. I was so proud and humbled to be a part of that crowd.

Thank you so much.

Originally posted on toughtea.wordpress.com.

TL;DR: It’s not too long, stop scrolling and read this now. These women stood up against an accused rapist and told their personal stories of survival, of rape and of sexual assault. The least you can do is have the common courtesy to read this post. Scroll back up right this second.